Anniversaries and Updates

Since the Updates On Pharon page was started a little over a year ago, I have had the updates show up as memories on Facebook. I knew months before it started to happen that it was coming and I wasn’t sure how I would handle reading them again. But I knew I needed to read them again. I don’t ever want to forget the support and love that I got from literally thousands of people during that time. I have taken time to go back and read the comments and its a beautiful reminder of how much Pharon, myself and our children were and continue to be loved.

So far so good I guess you could say. As I look back on the daily updates I can’t help but wonder how on earth I didn’t fly apart in a million pieces. The constant roller coaster never seemed to stop. I think at some point I ended up in shock. I mean, I took him to the hospital for treatment for the flu and our world completely came crumbling down at an alarming speed. At the one year mark of his first stroke was really hard on me. It was the spark that lit the burning inferno that became my life. It started a few days before the actual date. Pharon had his first stroke on Veterans Day, November 11, 2018. It was a Sunday. Even though this year the 11th fell on a Monday I guess my mind was reliving it as it was happening that Sunday again. I could not get myself together that day. I sobbed in my sister in laws arms before church. I had to stop listening to the sermon half way thru because I fell apart from one statement that basically screamed Pharon. Pastor mentioned how often times mens worth is based on how they can provide for their family. This was Pharon exactly. I had begged and begged him to quit working so he could regain strength and I would go back to work but he wasn’t having it. I ended up in the bathroom stall sobbing uncontrollably and then waiting until I thought the bathroom was empty so no one would know it was me having a complete melt down. My antianxiety meds has been increased that previous Friday but they hadn’t built up in my system yet so I was just stuck waiting for them to help. All afternoon I relived the entire day of Pharon’s first stoke and then would get upset when I couldn’t remember certain things. Like where my children slept that night. I am sure someone told me but I had zero recollection of it. I think its because I knew I had nothing to worry about with my kids because I knew my cousins had them and my trust in my family can’t be measured. But I did remember the first sight I saw when I got to Pharon’s room. He was hanging from a lift. I could not get to him. All I could think was what in the world is happening. He has the flu!!!

By the next morning I knew he needed more care than what our hospital in Dover could provide. Everything went from bad to worse to worse to worse. I stayed in the waiting room all night and when I came into his room I saw this. He can’t stay here anymore. I need him to go to Penn.

Fast forward to a year ago this weekend. I had to come to the acceptance that Pharon may not come home with me ever. The roller coaster we had been on kept going down. Surgeries had been cancelled. Surgeries he needed to live. I was left with the shell of the man that I once had felt so protected by. In 11 days it will be a year that we said our final good byes. I don’t know how I am going to react. Its hard to believe that the nightmare was a year ago already. I would be lying if I said I haven’t had any healing. I do have moments of great sorrow. A couple days ago it occurred to me out of no where what it must have been like if Pharon got to meet my dad in heaven. I would like to think that my dad embraced him. I don’t know what really happens when our loved ones get to heaven but the human part of us likes to think certain things to help us feel better about it. I am ok with thinking that my dad hugged Pharon and thanked him for making my life wonderful while he was here and for giving me two beautiful children. I would like to think my sister in laws mother said I didn’t think I would see you this soon but lets go praise the Lord together. It probably sounds silly but I don’t think there is any harm in hoping reunions in heaven are like that.

This year as I am truly experiencing the holidays since losing my love. I am thankful that I have been able to have moments of joy and truly live in the moment instead of just surviving it. I have a new outlook on next year and don’t feel as much guilt as I did before for trying to move forward. I will never move on and forget. But I do believe Pharon would want me to move forward and fulfill the dreams we had for our children.

We will have a Merry Christmas this year! Its just a different dynamic with new traditions.