Right now most of us are sitting at home just wondering what happens next. Our world has been hit with this covid-19 and took everything that we knew and basically made us question almost everything. There are no easy answers. No easy fixes. Jobs have been lost. Financial distress. Lives have been lost. This is a monster that we can’t see. We are stuck in our homes, away from our churches, friends, schools and normalcy. We have this new phrase “social distancing” that until now, no one ever really talked about. This social distancing has caused sorrow, depression, anxiety and fear.

Its also made us look at life differently. Our priorities have been made clear. Its been a learning experience for each and every person. Above all it has shown us how in the blink of an eye, EVERYTHING can change.

As I have been home with my children, like many I have been working on house projects that haven’t gotten done. One thing I had been trying to accomplish was weeding my flower garden outside. When my daffodils started to bloom, and before Brianna picked them all, I stood and stared at my little piece of a flower garden and something hit me. I have lived in our home since 2013 and I was never able to get any of the perennials to come back from year to year. Every spring I would spend a bunch of money on flowers and every year they would die off and nothing would come back the next year. The following year I would do the same and the cycle would repeat itself.

In the spring of 2018, I was very pregnant with Deshawn and it was time for me to presumably waste money again and plant flowers that would die. I sat on a blanket and planted my flowers while Pharon would do the walking back and forth. Fast forward to Spring 2019…its the first spring without Pharon. Its the first spring since I went through the hardest time of my life. I am still deep in mourning.

Still deep in my ashes

My flowers came back. Not only did they come back but I had to thin them out. My flower garden that had not been fruitful ever had an abundance of flowers. An abundance of beauty. It became a reminder that God can and will bring a bounty of fruit, joy and beauty during and after a time of pain. He brings us up out of the ashes of mourning and pain to more greatness than we can ever imagine. I had just experienced pain that I could still not work thru, I mourned till it physically hurt and I could not see two days ahead of me. A simple flower garden was my reminder.

So as we navigate through these uncharted waters, remember that “He gives beauty for ashes” Isaiah 61:3. Back in Biblical times people would rub ashes on themselves during times of mourning. We are covered in ashes right now during this pandemic. We are mourning the loss of jobs, finances, schooling, social interaction and most importantly life. I think its safe to say that most of us mourn with the thousands of families around the world who have lost loved ones. We are mourning our routines, our stability and our sense of security. The Lord has not forgotten or forsaken us. He will bring beauty out of this just like he brought beauty out of me losing Pharon. Just like the world has been turned upside down from covid-19, my life was turned upside down on December 18, 2018. God brought me back a reminder though. My beautiful little flower garden. A reminder that even when we think that its impossible for anything good to come from something…….He can and will make it happen.

Be safe my friends. We will get thru this time of ash covered life.

Pharon,

I want to talk to you just one more time. I want to see you looking back at me just one more time.

I need you to see our babies. You would not recognize them now. Brianna has grown up so much in the past year. She has matured and is more self sufficient. She is such a great big sister and loves her brother with a fierceness that melts my heart. Deshawn is a little you running around. He is so smart and he gets into everything. The little 5 month old baby you last saw has turned into a 18 month old little man. He loves his momma and keeps me on my toes. He loves cake from the sale just like you and insists on feeding himself. He loves his sister and one day will be her protector.

I desperately yearn to be in your presence again. Today I watched the video of the last communication we had and as you closed your eyes I felt like I was screaming inside saying “No not yet. I am not ready”. I want you too look at me one more time. The way that only you could look at me. Like I was the most important and beautiful person you had ever laid eyes on. The look of pride that I am yours. The look of being mischievous and me knowing you are straight up thinking something completely rotten. Just one more time.

Just one more conversation to make sure you knew how my world revolved around our love and our family. One more time to say I love you. One more time to hear your deep voice say I love you more. Just one more time.

I want to feel your touch one more time. To feel my hand get lost in yours. To feel your strong arms wrap around me and make me feel safe. To feel you rub my hair. Just one more time.

I want to see you play with our children one more time. To dance in the living room with Brianna. To teach Deshawn how to fist bump and watch him get excited about Mickey Mouse Club House.

I want more time with you. More time to make memories with our children. Time for Deshawn to form a single memory of you.

I can’t talk to you or see your eyes looking back at me anymore but I will never forget your voice or eyes because our baby boy is truly your mini me. I look deep into our precious boys eyes and I see you looking back at me. His deep voice saying momma is a sound that he could only get from you. He walks like you and even sounds like you when he sleeps. Honey you would not believe how much he is like you. You would be so proud of him.

It was a year ago today that I felt like I was remotely in your presence. You came back to me for a moment. I know it was time for you to go to your eternal home and receive the ultimate healing.

But I still just want one more time with you.

Since the Updates On Pharon page was started a little over a year ago, I have had the updates show up as memories on Facebook. I knew months before it started to happen that it was coming and I wasn’t sure how I would handle reading them again. But I knew I needed to read them again. I don’t ever want to forget the support and love that I got from literally thousands of people during that time. I have taken time to go back and read the comments and its a beautiful reminder of how much Pharon, myself and our children were and continue to be loved.

So far so good I guess you could say. As I look back on the daily updates I can’t help but wonder how on earth I didn’t fly apart in a million pieces. The constant roller coaster never seemed to stop. I think at some point I ended up in shock. I mean, I took him to the hospital for treatment for the flu and our world completely came crumbling down at an alarming speed. At the one year mark of his first stroke was really hard on me. It was the spark that lit the burning inferno that became my life. It started a few days before the actual date. Pharon had his first stroke on Veterans Day, November 11, 2018. It was a Sunday. Even though this year the 11th fell on a Monday I guess my mind was reliving it as it was happening that Sunday again. I could not get myself together that day. I sobbed in my sister in laws arms before church. I had to stop listening to the sermon half way thru because I fell apart from one statement that basically screamed Pharon. Pastor mentioned how often times mens worth is based on how they can provide for their family. This was Pharon exactly. I had begged and begged him to quit working so he could regain strength and I would go back to work but he wasn’t having it. I ended up in the bathroom stall sobbing uncontrollably and then waiting until I thought the bathroom was empty so no one would know it was me having a complete melt down. My antianxiety meds has been increased that previous Friday but they hadn’t built up in my system yet so I was just stuck waiting for them to help. All afternoon I relived the entire day of Pharon’s first stoke and then would get upset when I couldn’t remember certain things. Like where my children slept that night. I am sure someone told me but I had zero recollection of it. I think its because I knew I had nothing to worry about with my kids because I knew my cousins had them and my trust in my family can’t be measured. But I did remember the first sight I saw when I got to Pharon’s room. He was hanging from a lift. I could not get to him. All I could think was what in the world is happening. He has the flu!!!

By the next morning I knew he needed more care than what our hospital in Dover could provide. Everything went from bad to worse to worse to worse. I stayed in the waiting room all night and when I came into his room I saw this. He can’t stay here anymore. I need him to go to Penn.

Fast forward to a year ago this weekend. I had to come to the acceptance that Pharon may not come home with me ever. The roller coaster we had been on kept going down. Surgeries had been cancelled. Surgeries he needed to live. I was left with the shell of the man that I once had felt so protected by. In 11 days it will be a year that we said our final good byes. I don’t know how I am going to react. Its hard to believe that the nightmare was a year ago already. I would be lying if I said I haven’t had any healing. I do have moments of great sorrow. A couple days ago it occurred to me out of no where what it must have been like if Pharon got to meet my dad in heaven. I would like to think that my dad embraced him. I don’t know what really happens when our loved ones get to heaven but the human part of us likes to think certain things to help us feel better about it. I am ok with thinking that my dad hugged Pharon and thanked him for making my life wonderful while he was here and for giving me two beautiful children. I would like to think my sister in laws mother said I didn’t think I would see you this soon but lets go praise the Lord together. It probably sounds silly but I don’t think there is any harm in hoping reunions in heaven are like that.

This year as I am truly experiencing the holidays since losing my love. I am thankful that I have been able to have moments of joy and truly live in the moment instead of just surviving it. I have a new outlook on next year and don’t feel as much guilt as I did before for trying to move forward. I will never move on and forget. But I do believe Pharon would want me to move forward and fulfill the dreams we had for our children.

We will have a Merry Christmas this year! Its just a different dynamic with new traditions.

If you have followed this writing journey from the beginning you may be thinking why on earth would someone share her deepest and darkest thoughts? Why would she share with the world her insecurities, failures and struggles with mental illness? These are all very personal parts of one’s life and most of the time its keep a deep secret. Well as I have mentioned before, I feel led by God to share who Michelle Hameed is to the world. Who she really is when no one is watching. The thoughts and “demons” that are in my head. Someone out there is going through the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Someone out there is recovering from the worst thing that has ever happened to them. I share all of this so you don’t feel alone. I don’t want you to feel alone in your daily struggle just to get out of bed. Don’t feel alone in your struggle with depression or anxiety. Don’t feel alone in your uncertainty of the future. Don’t feel alone in your desperation that you may feel when once again you have to take care of life on your own. You aren’t alone. If there is a feeling that can be felt, I have probably had it so don’t feel alone in your feelings.

I also felt like I needed to remain transparent because soon after Pharon passed away I felt like I had been put on a pedestal by many. Everyone was in awe of how “well I handled everything” and how “strong” I am all the time. Everyone couldn’t get over the fact that I actively participated in the praise and worship portion of Pharon’s funeral or that when I came out of the room right after he passed away that I seemed poised and not hysterical. I am here to tell you right now that the ONLY reason I have been able to keep it together is because of God. When you see Michelle being strong, its because that is a time when only one set of footprints are in the sand. I was able to stand in front of my husbands casket and raise my hands towards God because the one and only certainty I had in my life anymore was God’s Promise to me and I was holding the hem of his garment by a string. I took Pharon to the hospital with the flu and 6 weeks later I watched him take his last breath. Nothing is guaranteed in life EXCEPT God’s Promises to us.

He promises to fight for me (Exodus 14:14)

He promises to give me strength when I am weary and renew my strength (Isaiah 40:29,31)

He promises to give me wisdom (James 1:5)

He promises to NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me (Deuteronomy 31:8)

He promises to give me HOPE and a FUTURE (Jeremiah 29:11)

With all of these promises that I whole heartedly believe in I have no choice but to be “ok” God said I will be.

I don’t know why God chose to take my husband from me and the children. I don’t know why he chose me to be in the position to raise two children by myself. I don’t know why in the midst of dealing with the grieving process and trying to figure out how to do it all on my own my body is in constant pain from fibromyalgia and arthritis. But I don’t need to know and I probably never will. My prayer is that someone out there who lays eyes on my words will be encouraged and not feel alone. What you are going through may be completely different. But its YOUR pain and it doesn’t make it any less important to God than my pain. What makes you cry in the shower when you are alone is just as important. Please don’t ever let the thought go through your mind “well at least this or that didn’t happen” and in the process discount your feelings. Yeah things could always be worse. Even in my situation it could have been worse. Pharon could have lived and been a complete vegetable and unable to see, communicate or even remember who me or the kids were. In my mind that is way worse than him being completely healed in an instant and singing praises to our Lord and Savior. I hold on to that thankfulness that my husband received a new body, a new heart, his vision was restored and he can breath with ease again. Yes I miss him every second of every single waking moment. I want him here with me. I want my forever. But the Lord healed him by taking him home.

So I am not perfect. I am perfectly flawed. I am a continuous process that God is working on every day. I am taught new levels of compassion, understanding, patience and perseverance every day. I still make mistakes every day. I yell at my kids sometimes and have to ask for forgiveness. I have to sit back and review my feelings before I confront them sometimes.

I have had to learn to extend grace to myself.

I am severely bent but not broken. I am not perfect but perfectly flawed. I am a child of God that He is working on every day. I have the biggest responsibility of my life now and that’s to raise the two children that God and Pharon trusting in leaving in my care. Our family dynamics have changed but God has promised to prosper us in this new life and I stand firm on that.

So I shared my diagnosis’ and the events that facilitated them.

As a rule of thumb I don’t think that if someone is dealing with a mental illness that the information is meant for everyone to know. The judgment that often comes from others can make the problem worse. Not everyone can handle the judgement that can be thrown their way.  I am in a “unique” situation having this blog. Between God being very clear to me that I needed to be transparent and raw in my writing and my promise in the beginning to you all to not hold anything back I do feel that there is a reason and it’s important for me to remain transparent. I don’t know who still needs to read this story but God keeps laying it on my heart that “they haven’t read it yet”.

Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Psalm 25:4 (NLT)

Now let’s dive further into what this all looks like for me. The phrase anxiety attack is used so loosely. I used to say it and didn’t know that what I was feeling was just a moment of being anxious. Everyone has those moments. When it slips into a disorder is when it effects your everyday life. Most of us can have multiple thoughts going on in our mind at any given point. Ours plates are full but we manage. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed but we handle it.

So let’s say each circle is a topic on our mind and the squiggly line is the calm flow of our thoughts. I haven’t been able to have thought this calm and organized since Pharon got sick. As things progressed and when he passed away things got more fuzzy and complicated.

This is more what my mind is like on a daily basis now.

I think about the same things as before but the calm isn’t there anymore. The loss of Pharon overlaps with literally every single thing I do. It completely consumes me. Then add regret, doubt, fear. Most times I can keep it at this level. I can see the calm beyond the chaos. But all it takes is one trigger. One simple thing that makes it all fall apart. It can be a site, a tv show, our children doing something good, our children pushing me to the breaking point…..or too much silence. Too much time to sit and think. Too much time to second guess every decision I made with his care or every decision I am making for our kids future. It becomes too much. Then I can’t think clearly at all.

My mind becomes a deep, black abyss with lightening strikes that won’t stop. I feel like I am being held down and I am screaming for help but nothing is coming out of my mouth. I become paralyzed wherever I am at and begin to uncontrollably sob. I can’t see past that moment. I am stuck. Memories of Pharon’s entire sickness flood my mind and visions of him rising off the bed with eyes rolled back get stuck in my vision. When I say stuck in my vision I mean I can be looking straight at the door and at the same time in my mind I see all of the scary memories simultaneously. 

Thankfully things don’t get this bad often.  The last time was about 2 weeks ago and I was supposed to go to an event for my mother in law.  I KNEW there were going to literally hundreds of people at this event that knew who I was, that I was Pharon’s widow and out of true love and concern they would approach me.  I have my safe places.  I have my tribes that I can be with and feel completely at ease.  Being bombarded by so many strangers became too much for my mind to handle.  Having one or two people randomly approach me doesn’t bother me.  But this was a luncheon with multiple churches within the AME congregation and I KNEW for a fact they all knew about what happened.   It took me over an hour and a dose of medication to get myself calmed down.  My mother ended up deciding for me and calling my mother in law and telling her I couldn’t come because I literally could not get myself together.  I was stuck on the couch shaking and sobbing. I was stuck in that moment and I couldn’t see past it.  My daughter was crying because it was scaring her.  I knew it was scaring her and that made me even more upset.  I let her see me cry but I never wanted her to see me have and “episode”. Mom was able to calm Brianna and eventually my meds kicked in and I slowly came back to reality.  Then my mind slowly reverts back to my new normal and I just stay consumed with the thoughts of losing Pharon and how it has effected every aspect of my life.  

I know it won’t always be this way.  I will never move on but I can move thru this chapter in my life.  Hopefully, one day I won’t have the moments where it hits me that he is gone and the pain strikes back so raw like it just happened.  One day I won’t have such intense triggers.  I won’t always be so mentally tired.  I won’t always be scared of crowds.  That is not what God has planned for me .  

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to proper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE”       Jeremiah 29:11

Memories can be a blessing and a curse. The only good memories I have during Pharon’s last hospital stay is of the incredible amount of support that my children and I got from literally thousands of people. Every other moment is either filled with the most intense fear I have ever felt in my entire life or I don’t remember things at all. I was just talking to my brother about how the day the nurse from Kent General called me to tell me that Pharon’s brain was bleeding, I remember collapsing in front of the dryer while I was talking to Christina on the phone and all I could get out what “I need someone to come get my kids, Pharon’s brain is bleeding.” I remember her appearing in my house to pick my kids up but I have no recollection where they slept that night, how they got back to my house or what day I saw them next. I remember feeling like I someone had literally kicked me in my stomach when Pharon didn’t remember Deshawn when I asked him for our kids names. Then its a big blur of weeks of no sleep, fear of the phone ringing, staring at my kids in the bed and wondering what their future held and a constant roller coaster. Hours spent on the internet so I could understand what the doctors were saying and what these machines meant.

The sounds of these machines are imbedded in my brain. The sound of them beeping or the sound of a ventilator is more than I can handle at this point in my life. Certain beeps mean certain things. The speed of the beep means something else. If its am emergency the sound goes crazy. This is part of another of the nightmares I have and it started from the machines alarming.

On December 11, 2018, all of the machines started going off at one time. I was sitting in the back corner of the room when Pharon rose up off the bed and a gasping noise came from him while the ventilator was making a horrible beeping sound. His eye lids were wide open but his eyes were rolled back in his head. Within seconds the room was filled with people and I got stuck in the corner of the room again. It was impossible for me to get out. I was trapped and terrified. I need to get out of here. God I am scared I need to get out of here. I can’t watch this anymore. I didn’t understand what I was seeing. To see someone go from laying quietly, to sitting straight up, eyes rolled back in their head and gasping for air will make you feel so intensely helpless. Pharon had coughed his intubation tube out. I was finally able to get out of the room and that was the day that I had a complete mental break down. I ended up in the hallway screaming and crying. The doctor had just told me that Pharon was getting better but that sure as hell didn’t look better to me. While all of this was going on the blood cultures had come back and Pharon was septic again. He wasn’t getting better. He was getting worse. Later that day I had to make an emergency appointment with my doctor to get medication for my nerves. I felt like I had no control over my mind anymore.

I dream of this day often. In my dream I am stuck in the corner again and inside my head I am screaming. God please make it stop. I know you can make him get out of that bed right now and he could walk out of this hospital with me right now but he is getting worse. I don’t understand. In my dream Pharon keeps rising off the bed. The sound of him gasping for air is so loud that I can barely hear the machines. But in my dream no one is coming in the room and I am stuck in my seat. I open my mouth to scream for help but nothing comes out of my mouth.

Once they got the tube placed back in and I had calmed down I went back into the room and had the last form of communication that I would ever had with Pharon. At this point he had suffered 14 strokes and 4 aneurysms. He was mostly blind and could only see what would be equivalent to a pixel or two at a time but never the whole picture. His eyes were open and I could see them. I took a video while I was talking to him. I had been taking a lot of pictures of everything because when he got home and needed to see how far he had come I would be able to show him. He couldn’t talk and he couldn’t see me. I asked him to wink for yes.

Pharon can you hear me? Are you in pain? Two winks.

Pharon are you tired of fighting? Wink.

Do you want to stop treatment? Wink.

Pharon do you understand me? Wink.

Are you ready to go to heaven? WINK.

My heart sank as his eyes rolled back in his again. Honey I love you…

I never saw his eyes again. There were times later in the week that his eye lids would open as he would again rise up off the bed but it was all involuntary. On December 11, 2018, I asked the doctors to cease all sedation because I needed to see if he would respond again. He never responded to any stimuli again.

So I am still here. Severely bent but not completely broken. Broken moments but not a broken life. Being around my family and the children keeps my mind occupied. I look forward to but dread my kids bedtime at the same time. I need the break but it also means that I am left alone in my head. I am left alone with my memories. The memories that impacted me more than anything else in my life thus far. There are many times that I struggle to get my words together and its because I have so many windows open in my head at the same time. I can sit and have a conversation with you about the weather and be thinking about Pharon at the same time. Nothing has ever consumed me like this before. I guess that’s part of PTSD. I know and believe that it won’t always be this way. I am terrified of how I will feel as we get closer to the one year anniversary but I know that ultimately I will be ok and I will make it. I don’t have any other choice but to make it.

I have not been able to write in many months. There are a few reasons. My daughter needed my undivided attention. Writing has been a healing thing for me but it also takes a lot out of me. I couldn’t let anything take away from helping her get through what she needed to deal with in her little heart. I was also given a few diagnosis’ that I needed to come to terms with in my own head. I have always been fully transparent with my feelings in this blog but I needed time to process this before I shared it.

Back in June I started waking up from nightmares. The dreams were so vivid that it felt like I had just lived in my dream and I couldn’t go back to sleep from it. It was dreams of events that happened when Pharon was in the hospital. There were some things that happened that scarred me. They changed me. One of the reoccurring dreams is of the day Pharon tried to take his intubation tube out. I was talking to my mother in law and I had just mentioned that I wish the nurses would tie his hands down because if he woke up it would be natural instinct for him to pull at the tube in this throat. The nursing staff insisted that since he hadn’t moved in weeks there was nothing to worry about and that we already knew he had the deficit on his right side.  Within seconds his left hand flew up and I caught it just in time. But he was still so strong. He hadn’t lost his eye sight yet and as I literally was putting my full weight into holding his arm down, trying to put the arm strap on by myself and screaming for help he looked into my eyes with fear.  My biggest fear the entire time he was in the hospital was that he would get scared.  Once we got him tied back down and before he was sedated again I was sobbing and telling him to not be scared and that I was sorry but I had to tie him down.

 That was the last time that we are certain he had his vision and it was of me tying him down while he was scared. 

This is just one of many memories that consume my mind all of the time.  In June I was formally diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and anxiety disorder.   By July the doctor wanted to put me on an adrenaline blocker at night so I wouldn’t dream.  Between me not sleeping from the nightmares and my son not sleeping I was barely getting 3 hours a sleep a night and it was really beginning to take a toll on me emotionally from being so physically tired.  So sitting and putting my feelings and emotions in writing was just not going to work. 

I decided tonight that I needed to write.  I was in the bed having a severe panic attack.  When I say I am tired I don’t mean just physically.  Yes, I am always physically tired.  I honestly can’t tell you the last time I was not physically tired.  On top of doing everything in my home I am doing it while in physical pain from a couple minor physical ailments I have.  More than physically I am completely emotionally exhausted.  I think about Pharon and what happened from the moment I wake up until the moment I pass out and sometimes even after that if I dream.  I am tired of having to make every single decision myself.  I am tired of the never ending work and never getting a break. I am tired of feeling guilty for asking for help.  I am tired of the sense of sorrow I feel when I see other people living these somewhat normal lives when that’s all I ever wanted in my life.  I am tired of being completely consumed in pain and grief of losing Pharon but its not something that just goes away.  I want someone to take care of me too.  I had someone who took care of me.  When I had a horrible headache I could go lay down for 30 min while waiting for the Aleve to kick in.  I could make dinner and someone else clean up.  Pharon would cook for me.  I could get my car in for an oil change without it turning into a scheduling project to see who could drop me off and pick me up.  He would help me get the kids ready. More than anything I didn’t feel alone in carrying the entire weight of the well being of our children on my shoulders. 

I am tired but I am still here.  I have some of the hardest times when I am alone in our bedroom at night.  I feel lost in my own bed.  I feel unprotected, alone and empty.   I am not giving up but I have to rest at Jesus’ feet more than ever now. 

Every day starts the same. I wake up and for a split second I don’t think about how Pharon isn’t here anymore. Then once that second is over reality sets in like a ten ton boulder on my chest. I have to do this alone again. Life alone. Again. There have been days that the thought of having to get both kids up, bathed, and out the door on time, by myself, is too much to bare, so I don’t. I wasn’t supposed to do this alone. He was supposed to be here with me. The thought of doing it alone for the next 18-20 years will make my chest hurt. I get tired before it even happens. I get angry. I want to scream. I cry. I sob. My body will shake. I get discouraged. I have my moments and then I Push Through the Pain. I don’t just get over it. I work through it.

You don’t just get over things like this in life. It’s impossible. It’s ridiculous to even expect or say that to someone. This was not something we chose. We could not control it so I can’t just “get over it.” I can work through it though. To do that I have to make a conscious effort to push through the pain so I can feel and see the promises that God has made for me and my children.

Sometimes it’s the big things that I have to push through. Thoughts of my daughter missing out on daddy/daughter dances. The thought of daddy not walking her down the isle one day. Thoughts of Deshawn wanting to learn a sport other than baseball. I don’t know all the rules for any other sport. The thought of him needing his daddy’s advice about girls or how to be a man. These kind of things shatter my heart. Then there are the little things. Brianna put her shoes on the right feet the first time around. She is so proud of herself. Deshawn crawled up the entire flight of stairs. He is so proud of himself. Pharon was supposed to smile back at me when our eyes met while watching our children hit milestones. Simple little things that most people take for granted.

I took the kids to Gatlinburg, Tennessee last week. While we were there I decided I wanted to take Brianna and Deshawn to the aquarium. I kept putting it off. I caught myself not wanting to make a memory because Pharon wasn’t here to experience it with us. I had to push through the pain and just do it. This may not seem like a big deal to you but for me to get myself together enough to walk to the ticket office and actually buy the tickets was an ordeal for me. I don’t buy two adult anything anymore. It’s one adult and one or two children depending on the age requirements. The act of buying the tickets was another reminder that I am doing it alone again. My children are doing something without daddy again. There is no one to reminisce over the reactions of the kids faces anymore while laying in bed. Pharon would have been so proud of Brianna for not being scared of the sharks. The joy he would have gotten from seeing the amazement in Deshawns little face would have been priceless. It took everything in me to not break down in the middle of the aquarium. I pushed through the pain because my children were depending on me. My children need these happy moments. Pharon would want them to have these moments. Pharon would want me to have these happy moments too.

I can and I will continue to push through the pain and it’s because of one single promise. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. I am promised strength from the strongest man who ever walked the earth. Christ rose the dead to life, made the blind see and healed the sick. He also pushed through the ultimate pain of dying on the cross for you and me. He could have stopped his persecutors. He could have kept the nails from piecing his skin. He could have came down from the cross and walked away. He chose to push to the pain because he knew it was necessary for us to have eternal life. He loved you and me so much that he went through more emotional and physical pain than we can even fathom. That’s who I get my strength from. If Jesus can push through that because he loves us so much I can push through this. Jesus cried out to our Heavenly Father and praised him in the midst of his pain. I have cried out to our Heavenly Father and praised him in the midst of my pain. The promises that our Heavenly Father has made me are my only guarantees in life.

So I will continue to pull my strength from Jesus and push through the pain.

I haven’t been MIA. I don’t know that I have went almost two weeks without writing since I started this writing journey. I have wanted to write but I couldn’t. For a few weeks I was stuck in a very dark place. My anxiety took over my life. Something good happen and I would freak out. Brianna would say something that really showed how much she has grown and I would shut down. Deshawn stood by himself and I would shut down. Bedtime was the worst. I would look at my precious babies and despair would engulf me so hard that I couldn’t think clearly. Pharon is supposed to be here to see this! Our children are growing so fast and he isn’t here with me to see it.

The constant state of anxiousness started when I got the Veterans Administrations decision on our survivor benefits. It was in writing. The government admitted to it. Pharon’s death is service-connected. Had his heart not been bad he very well could have fought off the infection. His cardiologist had told me this but to see it in writing made me completely fall apart.

The silver lining in this decision is that the children and I are taken care of. Now, financially I can provide the exact lifestyle for our children that Pharon and I had planned. I can continue to be the stay at home/work from home mother that Pharon and I had wanted for our children. I can obtain a VA loan to go buy a house with a nice yard for our children. But the trade off is more than I can bare. Irrational thoughts began to flood my mind. I felt guilty for being taken care of so well even in my husbands death because he had to die for this to happen. I sat on my bed looking at 3 clear car titles, the deed to my house, the deed to our timeshare, and the VA decision letter and I completely fell apart. I have never been so secure in my entire life. My husband gave his life for our country and our families security . No, he didn’t die on a battlefield. He wasn’t killed in action. But his heart went bad while serving our country. He did it without reservation or question. His death was directly related to the dilated cardiomyopathy with ICD. Seeing it in writing almost made me sick.

It took Pharon’s best friend to remind me that Pharon would be so pleased to know that the government that he swore to protect was taking care of his family in his absence. Pharon would not have taken back one single day of his time served. He whole heartedly believed in the Army and what it stood for. He would be happy to know his hard work and sacrifices were taking care of his family now. It was a horrible price to pay. My life is forever changed.

I ended up having to have my medication adjusted. Instead of taking some meds only when I had symptoms I take them on a regular basis but in a smaller dosage. I had a really bad week where 3 days in a row either my brother or my cousins would have to talk me down. It was almost like I had just realized that my husband had died. The pain was so insanely raw that it physically hurt. My mind began to wander. Oh my God what have I done? What if he could have made it? Did I act too soon? I took my kids daddy away! I know now this was nothing but satan getting into my ear. If God had wanted Pharon to live here on earth he would be living. I didn’t act too soon. The day Pharon passed he was in straight torment. I truly believe his spirit left him before his last breath. My husband wasn’t there anymore. It was just his body.

While going through all of this God spoke very clearly to me. If seeing this in writing can effect you so profoundly lets see how much seeing what I have to say to you in writing can effect you. I pretty much felt like saying to myself, well duh Michelle why didn’t you think of that?! See, I read my Bible but I hadn’t really studied it. Lets have a really dreadfully honest moment here. I can read ANYTHING and my mind will wander all over the place while I am reading. I am reading the words but don’t ask me 10 minutes later what I read. This has been a problem since grade school. So I can read a chapter in the Bible and immediately afterwards not be able to tell you how it applies to me because I probably only remember the last sentence or maybe the readers digest version of what I just read. So I decided that I need to just focus on a couple verses at a time and really look deeper into what those verses mean until I get better at retaining longer passages. Emerging myself in physically seeing God’s promises is exactly what I need. I have always been a visual person. I have always connected memories and feelings to sights and sounds.

I am trying to focus my thoughts and feelings of “seeing something in writing” into something positive again.

I don’t really like attention. I have always preferred to make things happen in the background. The attention I received while Pharon was sick and during his passing gave me extreme anxiety. When I say extreme anxiety I mean I threw up a couple times over the attention. I was and continue to be so thankful for the support I get from everyone but it still feels funny. So to purposely do something that is guaranteed to draw attention to myself like doing this blog was a very uncomfortable thing for me to do. But I felt God telling me over and over again that I needed to share this story. I needed to share with people where my strength came from but at the same time be dreadfully raw with what I write. It was like he was telling me that’s it’s ok to show people that you struggled and had crazy thoughts go thru my head. There are people who need to know that they are not alone in their quest for a stronger faith. It wasn’t until I had multiple confirmations that I finally listened.

Last week I was really struggling with the thought of writing anything. I had the wind knocked out of me when the Veterans Administration determined that Pharon’s death was in fact service connected. There had been a couple doctors tell me but for the government admit it was a whole new ballgame. Writing these blog posts take everything out of me. I have had to force myself to relive everything. It forces me to admit to feelings that I hadn’t shared with anyone. It has forced me into that uncomfortable place of vulnerability. Then the thought of “is this really touching anyone anymore” creeped into my head.

I have never been good with knowing if it’s God telling Michelle something or if it’s Michelle telling Michelle something. Sometimes I need God to throw confirmation in my face. The Lord knows this about me and He makes things crystal clear for me.

One evening a few weeks ago I was doubting if this blog or if me sharing my feelings was making a difference.  A friend of mine from church made a Facebook post. This post went up literally at the same time I was doubting everything. He mentioned a friend who he didn’t really know that well had passed and how this mans wife had shared how she took her children in to see him right after he passed. He said how it completely wrecked him to read that and how he was looking at things in his life differently now. He was taking time to take his daughter fishing. I literally almost dropped my phone when I read it. It NEVER occurred to me that this could touch someone in that capacity. I felt such joy knowing that our story could help a family in that way. I commented back on how it’s the little things that his children will remember and how Brianna talked about daddy taking her for ice cream. The next morning in my Timehop memories a picture of Brianna and Daddy eating ice cream showed up. Ok Lord I get it 😊

Easter weekend an example was used during church and mention of a woman who had lost her husband recently and people are watching and wondering “how in the world is she living with so much peace in her life” and she can serve at church with such peace in her heart. I had a feeling it was me being referred to and it was later confirmed.  It made me realize that I am being watched more closely than I ever realized. It felt like a blessing that people can see the peace I have in my heart. Yes, I miss my husband every day. I think of him in every moment of my life. I have moments where the pain of losing him feels more than I can bare.  My friends and family have had to talk me down multiple time just this week.  But I know he isn’t in pain anymore. I take comfort in that. It brings me peace to know that the suffering is no more.  I take comfort in knowing that God is taking care of me and my children. We have been blessed more than I can even put into words. The support system we have around us is nothing short of amazing. The Lord made sure that financially my children are well taken care of and that I can commit my time into furthering His Kingdom by volunteering the way my heart desires instead of having to go work outside of the home 40+ hours a week.  I rest in the peace of the promises the God has given me.  It’s the only thing that keeps me going. 

Easter Sunday I got stopped by two different people at church to tell me how much of a blessing it was to them to read this blog and they thanked me for doing it. One lady was a complete stranger to me but she knew who I was. Again, a humbling confirmation that I am doing what God wants me to do in this season of my life.

My prayer the entire time is that Pharon’s death would not be in vain. That my pain would not be in vain. That my children losing their daddy would not be in vain. Even if it touched one person and brought them closer to God it was all worth it. I know Pharon is in heaven singing praises to our Heavenly Father. I know he would be pleased to know that his years of service to our country has not gone unnoticed and now the country he swore to protect is taking care of his family now.  So if me being uncomfortable is making a positive change in someone’s life, I am content with that.  Growth is often uncomfortable.  Its ok for people to approach me.  I need the reminder occasionally, no matter how awkward I feel in that moment.  Its ok for my family to be used as an example.  I am far from perfect and I still have struggles, but I am growing.  I am still learning what God wants from me as a mother, friend, sister, cousin, niece, daughter, partner in church and even as a stranger. 

I would like to invite you to watch this sermon.  It will be the best 30 minutes of your week.   It explains probably better than any words I can put together on how I am able to move forward with my life.  It was also a confirmation I needed.   If you want to know this peace I have you can contact me and you can come sit with me at church. I want everyone to know this kind of peace in their life.

I am still learning what God’s will is for my life and the path He has chosen for me.  I am truly thankful to have so many coming along on this journey with me.