Just One More Time

Pharon,

I want to talk to you just one more time. I want to see you looking back at me just one more time.

I need you to see our babies. You would not recognize them now. Brianna has grown up so much in the past year. She has matured and is more self sufficient. She is such a great big sister and loves her brother with a fierceness that melts my heart. Deshawn is a little you running around. He is so smart and he gets into everything. The little 5 month old baby you last saw has turned into a 18 month old little man. He loves his momma and keeps me on my toes. He loves cake from the sale just like you and insists on feeding himself. He loves his sister and one day will be her protector.

I desperately yearn to be in your presence again. Today I watched the video of the last communication we had and as you closed your eyes I felt like I was screaming inside saying “No not yet. I am not ready”. I want you too look at me one more time. The way that only you could look at me. Like I was the most important and beautiful person you had ever laid eyes on. The look of pride that I am yours. The look of being mischievous and me knowing you are straight up thinking something completely rotten. Just one more time.

Just one more conversation to make sure you knew how my world revolved around our love and our family. One more time to say I love you. One more time to hear your deep voice say I love you more. Just one more time.

I want to feel your touch one more time. To feel my hand get lost in yours. To feel your strong arms wrap around me and make me feel safe. To feel you rub my hair. Just one more time.

I want to see you play with our children one more time. To dance in the living room with Brianna. To teach Deshawn how to fist bump and watch him get excited about Mickey Mouse Club House.

I want more time with you. More time to make memories with our children. Time for Deshawn to form a single memory of you.

I can’t talk to you or see your eyes looking back at me anymore but I will never forget your voice or eyes because our baby boy is truly your mini me. I look deep into our precious boys eyes and I see you looking back at me. His deep voice saying momma is a sound that he could only get from you. He walks like you and even sounds like you when he sleeps. Honey you would not believe how much he is like you. You would be so proud of him.

It was a year ago today that I felt like I was remotely in your presence. You came back to me for a moment. I know it was time for you to go to your eternal home and receive the ultimate healing.

But I still just want one more time with you.