Not Perfect but Perfectly Flawed

If you have followed this writing journey from the beginning you may be thinking why on earth would someone share her deepest and darkest thoughts? Why would she share with the world her insecurities, failures and struggles with mental illness? These are all very personal parts of one’s life and most of the time its keep a deep secret. Well as I have mentioned before, I feel led by God to share who Michelle Hameed is to the world. Who she really is when no one is watching. The thoughts and “demons” that are in my head. Someone out there is going through the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Someone out there is recovering from the worst thing that has ever happened to them. I share all of this so you don’t feel alone. I don’t want you to feel alone in your daily struggle just to get out of bed. Don’t feel alone in your struggle with depression or anxiety. Don’t feel alone in your uncertainty of the future. Don’t feel alone in your desperation that you may feel when once again you have to take care of life on your own. You aren’t alone. If there is a feeling that can be felt, I have probably had it so don’t feel alone in your feelings.

I also felt like I needed to remain transparent because soon after Pharon passed away I felt like I had been put on a pedestal by many. Everyone was in awe of how “well I handled everything” and how “strong” I am all the time. Everyone couldn’t get over the fact that I actively participated in the praise and worship portion of Pharon’s funeral or that when I came out of the room right after he passed away that I seemed poised and not hysterical. I am here to tell you right now that the ONLY reason I have been able to keep it together is because of God. When you see Michelle being strong, its because that is a time when only one set of footprints are in the sand. I was able to stand in front of my husbands casket and raise my hands towards God because the one and only certainty I had in my life anymore was God’s Promise to me and I was holding the hem of his garment by a string. I took Pharon to the hospital with the flu and 6 weeks later I watched him take his last breath. Nothing is guaranteed in life EXCEPT God’s Promises to us.

He promises to fight for me (Exodus 14:14)

He promises to give me strength when I am weary and renew my strength (Isaiah 40:29,31)

He promises to give me wisdom (James 1:5)

He promises to NEVER leave me or FORSAKE me (Deuteronomy 31:8)

He promises to give me HOPE and a FUTURE (Jeremiah 29:11)

With all of these promises that I whole heartedly believe in I have no choice but to be “ok” God said I will be.

I don’t know why God chose to take my husband from me and the children. I don’t know why he chose me to be in the position to raise two children by myself. I don’t know why in the midst of dealing with the grieving process and trying to figure out how to do it all on my own my body is in constant pain from fibromyalgia and arthritis. But I don’t need to know and I probably never will. My prayer is that someone out there who lays eyes on my words will be encouraged and not feel alone. What you are going through may be completely different. But its YOUR pain and it doesn’t make it any less important to God than my pain. What makes you cry in the shower when you are alone is just as important. Please don’t ever let the thought go through your mind “well at least this or that didn’t happen” and in the process discount your feelings. Yeah things could always be worse. Even in my situation it could have been worse. Pharon could have lived and been a complete vegetable and unable to see, communicate or even remember who me or the kids were. In my mind that is way worse than him being completely healed in an instant and singing praises to our Lord and Savior. I hold on to that thankfulness that my husband received a new body, a new heart, his vision was restored and he can breath with ease again. Yes I miss him every second of every single waking moment. I want him here with me. I want my forever. But the Lord healed him by taking him home.

So I am not perfect. I am perfectly flawed. I am a continuous process that God is working on every day. I am taught new levels of compassion, understanding, patience and perseverance every day. I still make mistakes every day. I yell at my kids sometimes and have to ask for forgiveness. I have to sit back and review my feelings before I confront them sometimes.

I have had to learn to extend grace to myself.

I am severely bent but not broken. I am not perfect but perfectly flawed. I am a child of God that He is working on every day. I have the biggest responsibility of my life now and that’s to raise the two children that God and Pharon trusting in leaving in my care. Our family dynamics have changed but God has promised to prosper us in this new life and I stand firm on that.