It has to be perfect

I am not usually a perfectionist to the point that if everything isn’t perfect I will have a melt down but Pharon’s funeral had to be perfect. It was the last thing I could do for him before he was buried. In talks that we had early in our marriage we both agreed that we were fine being cremated UNLESS we had minor children. If either of us passed and our children were young then we needed to be buried so our children would have a place to visit and process things.

Pharon made one thing clear. If he was buried he did not want to be put in his dress Greens. He never liked them and did not want to be buried in them. So when it came time to decide what I was going to do it was easy. My soldier would be buried in his ACU’s and look just like he did the first day I first saw him in uniform. The night Pharon passed away I dug out a complete uniform and patches. It has to be perfect. I knew that the songs I wanted sang were the songs that I sang to him every day. Songs that brought me so much comfort for those 40 days and 40 nights. Take Courage and How Great Thou Art. I knew I did not want to talk in front of anyone but I knew I wanted something from me read. I knew I wanted and needed the church I grew up in and the church that I currently attended to be part of the service. Both churches hold such a place in my heart. One church is where Pharon found his salvation and the other is where we were attending at the time he passed. We both loved all of our Pastors. Both churches has stood by me and held me up during this journey.

The day after Pharon passed I had a lot of phone calls to make. It has to be perfect. This consumed my mind. My love deserves the best going home service that I can throw together. Most of my phone calls were to different people in the Delaware Army National Guard. The first phone call about did me in. The soldier was expecting my call and he called me Ma’am. Now I know its out of respect and soldiers had been calling me ma’am forever but today I could not handle it. Every single time he called me ma’am I fell apart. My mind wandered while he was talking to me and it hits me. I am a military widow. This gentleman is considering me a military widow. I mean, I know I am but I am not ready for that title yet. I am still Sgt. Hameed’s wife. Thru the next few days I am calling and texting battle buddies of Pharon’s to try and locate a hat and boots. I can’t bury my soldier without his hat and boots. I remember clear as day Pharon telling me I cant bury him any different than if he was reporting for duty. A soldier has to have his boots and good socks. It has to be perfect. I dug through every single pair of socks he had. None looked nice enough. I bought a new pack. His undershirts didn’t look nice enough. Back to wal-mart for a new pack. One of his buddies coordinates a brand new uniform, boots and badges so my children can have daddys originals. Pharon’s best friends wife helps me press it. It can’t have seams. It has to be perfect.

Ok now I have my soldier’s clothes ready. I need to look a certain way. I need sheer stockings and black heels. I am Sgt. Hameed’s wife. I need to make him proud. The Delaware Army National Guard is a very tight knit group and I know there will be higher ranking soldiers and officers attending the services. Sgt. Hameed’s wife needs to look presentable. I need the perfect earrings. My nails must look nice. My hair and makeup must be on point. I want him to be proud of me. I want to look the best I can the last time I will ever be in the presence of his body. I know in my head that his spirit is gone but its still my husband laying there. It has to be perfect.

My onset of this need for perfection mixed with the emotions of losing Pharon just about set me over the edge. I ended up back at the doctors office. I need my meds adjusted. But its the first doctors visit of the year. Yearly forms have to be filled out.

Marital Status

I stared at that question for probably a minute straight. They want me to write it out.

WIDOW

I fall apart.

Emergency Contact

This is too much. I am not ready to change it back to my brother yet.

Things that most people don’t even think twice about were setting me into sobbing panic attacks. I meet with my doctor and let him know that I lost Pharon. He doesn’t even blink an eye at upping my anti-anxiety meds. I need them to help me make it perfect.

January 2, 2019, my alarm goes off at 6am. I had barely gotten two hours of sleep. It’s time to do this. Everything had been planned. Everything was set in place. My cousin and friend coordinated a police escort. Freedom riders were coming to honor my love. I go to my dear friends salon and she made my hair absolutely perfect. Ok its time to do this. I am not ready to do this. I sat in Torberts parking lot next to the church for a good 10 minutes just staring at the hurst sitting in front of the church. My husband is in there. oh my God this is really happening.

I finally get the nerve to drive over and get my precious baby who would never remember his daddy out of the truck. I explained how I wanted the procession to be lined up and finally go inside. I found 10 different reasons to not go into the sanctuary. The undertaker gives me a heads up that Pharon was just too swollen to put his boots on. OK but they have to be buried with him. A soldier doesn’t report for duty without his boots. It has to be perfect. Finally I can’t put it off anymore. The plan was for me to go in by myself first and then the rest of the family could go. I couldn’t do it. I grabbed my brother and he walked me in. The last time Johnny walked me down this isle was on my wedding day. Same position too. Me on the left and him on the right. This is the last time he will walk me to my love. My soldier looks perfect in his final resting place. He has a look of peace on his face. Oh my God this is really happening.

By the time guests start to arrive I am heavily medicated so I could even breath. My anxiety is through the roof. There are more soldiers there than I had ever anticipated. My husband was so loved by the Delaware Army National Guard. I felt a peace and security having them there. I remember thinking, man everyone looks so nice. Why didn’t he like this outfit?

Pastor Ryan from Calvary Church and Pastor Kenneth from UNITED Church arrive. It’s time to do this. I say one last goodbye to my love and tuck the blanket around him. I give him one last kiss. Soldiers from the Delaware Army National Guard place Pharon’s flag on his casket. My love is being honored like he should be. The freedom riders do a small ceremony and present a pin and flag to my mother in law and myself. My dear friends lead a worship song that had always meant so much to me.

“Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul, He’s in the waiting. Hold onto your hope, as your triumph unfolds, He’s never failing”

 

This verse alone brings me comfort. I raise my arms to God because even in the midst of everything that had happened I STILL had the most faithful God on my side. He never fails. We may not understand his plan but “He brings all things together for the good of those who love him,” Romans 8:28. He will never leave me. God watched his only Son be crucified so he understood my pain. Things and people on earth can and will fail you. God never fails us. We may not understand why he allows things to happen. I don’t know why my husband is gone. But I do know that it was God’s timing to take him home. I do know that I will rise in His Victory.  Pharon was so sick for so long. His healing did not come on this earth. As we sang that song I began to praise God for healing my husband. I was praising him for bringing so many people into my life to hold me up here on earth while he was doing his work in heaven. I was claiming the Victory in Jesus even though I didn’t understand why this was happening to me.  I was fixing my eyes on Jesus instead of my circumstance.  

https://youtu.be/r49V9QcYheQ

I was told the procession was over two miles long. We were escorted by four State of Delaware Troopers and four City of Dover Policemen. At every intersection there were troopers in their SUV’s blocking traffic. Route 1 northbound was shut down as we drove up to the Veterans Cemetery in Bear. My soldier is getting treated like the hero he was. The ceremony starts and I can’t even tell you what was said to me when the flag was given tome. The sounds of the gunshots pierced my ears. I am a military widow now I guess.

My husband gave his life for our country. Yes he went into the hospital for the flu and once the flu and MSSA collided it turned into a super bug for lack of better words. But the thing is, if his heart was healthy when he got sick, he could have fought it off. Pharon got cardiomyopathy while serving in the Army. The Veterans Administration finished up their investigation last week and the government acknowledged, in writing, that Pharon’s death was service connected.While this opens many more doors for the children and myself, it was a HUGE and JAGGED pill to swallow. My husband loved the Delaware Army National Guard more than anything. I know he never regretted a second of his service. If he had not gotten sick, he would still have been serving. After getting confirmation ofhis death being service connected, it made me even more content with how his services went.

It was perfect. Sgt. Hameed was laid to rest with the fullest level of respect and honor that he deserved. It was perfect.