Baking Soda and Graham Crackers

Many times in life we will be working on a goal and then BOOM, a monkey wrench is thrown into the mix and it distracts us from the goal. We could have been focused for hours, days, weeks or even months and all of a sudden we lose our groove and then it takes a while to find it again. The same rings true with our spiritual walk with God. We know what we need to do, we have our tools (the Bible and church attendance to get fed weekly), we get into a comfortable space in our continuing journey to become closer to God and then BOOM, something happens to make us question things. It throws the groove off. It could be something big or something small in either situation. It could be as small as baking soda and graham crackers……

Pharon loved things. All things. A lot of things. If he spent a penny on it, no matter how small or large the item, you can trust and believe he was going to keep it. His philosophy was “I paid for it so I am gonna keep it!” This caused a 10,000 car pile up of unnecessary stuff in our home, vehicles, and a storage unit that we paid for monthly. Nothing, and I mean nothing can set me into a mood quicker than when I see central storage on my bank statement every month. I might as well throw money right out the window. Pharon was a hoarder. I am not joking. A real hoarder. The stuff he would keep, most people, myself included, would just throw away. In my mind, just because the hotel room we paid for had powdered creamer on the coffee bar does not mean we have to take it home. I don’t use powdered creamer so therefore it can stay. Paid for or not. Not Pharon. Nope. That powdered coffee creamer was coming home so it can sit on the counter for a few weeks until I am sure he has forgot about it and can throw it out while he is at work. If I get caught an argument is sure to start.

So since the beginning of December I have been cleaning out my home. When I started, I got rid of a bunch of stuff, knowing that Pharon would have a melt down fit over it, but not caring because if I was going to be taking care of a stroke victim I was going to have to make things as easy on myself as possible. As my momma used to say “you can get mad and you can get glad.” Haha. Clearing stuff out while Pharon was living was no big deal. I was going as fast as I could when I would be home with the kids on the weekends.

Once Pharon passed away it was a different story. Some things were easy to throw away while others gave me anxiety. I keep falling into the train of thought of “oh I have to keep this or Pharon is going to get mad!” Clearing out the clothes was easy. Until I got to the uniforms. I could not bring myself to pack them up. I had no issues giving away clothes that were brand new to someone who could use them. I had no problem throwing away clothes that were way past their prime. Picking pieces of clothing to give to family as mementos didn’t phase me. The Army uniforms have to stay put. Pharon had been retired for almost 7 years but he was still Army to the core to the very end. He would sing our children cadences all the time. The thought of packing the uniforms up became a monkey wrench in my plans for clearing our home out. It made a mountains of emotions well up. As I stood in my closet staring at these uniforms it was another reminder that my love was gone.

After a few days I managed to pack up probably 15 boxes of Pharon’s things so the kids would have them when they got older. I wanted them to be able to choose what they wanted as I told them stories behind the items.

As I dig thru Pharon’s things I find his most treasured possessions. I find hundreds of dollars in two dollar bills and coins stashed in random places. As I am digging thru things I find anniversary cards with love notes from Pharon. It makes my heart happy. Then I find another monkey wrench. A letter Pharon had wrote for me but never gave me. It made the world stop for me. As I read his deepest feelings and thoughts for me I missed my love even more. This man loved me more than any man has ever loved me. He was my other half. I was his Bonnie and he was my Clyde. He completed me and now he is gone. No more anniversary cards, no more good morning texts, no more having a man who is so insanely proud to have me as his wife. Now I am off course of getting things cleaned up again and I do nothing for days.

Last week I did one more big push in cleaning our bedroom. I have been trying to make it look completely different so it’s not so painful to be in there. My kids are finally out of my room and in theirs and so I am left by myself in my bed. The bed I shared with my love. I cleaned out almost 20 tubs, bags and boxes. I pick up the last bag I have touched in the room. It’s the overnight bag Pharon took to the hospital for the last time. I sat and stared at it. I had probably moved the bag 50 times while cleaning and purposely putting it off. When I opened it I froze. I saw the zip lock bag of baking soda and 3 packs of graham crackers. I began to sob uncontrollably. I knew those graham crackers were for the kids because he always brought home juice and crackers for Brianna when he would be in the hospital. In my mind I could imagine him tucking the crackers in the bag for his best girl. The bag of baking soda was the subject of discussion in the last conversation Pharon and I had before he walked into the hospital for the last time. Pharon loved to brush his teeth with plain baking soda. That night he had a solo cup filled with it and was about to walk into the emergency room with it. Me and my infinite wisdom say “don’t take it in there like that you will look suspect…..here put it in a zip lock bag”. As if a fluffy white powder in a zip lock bag didn’t look even more suspect.

I am stuck again. I haven’t worked on my room since finding the baking soda and graham crackers. This simple sight has taken the wind out of me again. I try to remind myself that Pharon would want me to do what I need to do to have the best life I can have now. He wouldn’t get mad. He loved me unconditionally and would understand.

But for some reason, baking soda and graham crackers have seemed to be my biggest hurdle so far.