It’s over but it’s just beginning…..

It’s so important to have the hard conversations when you get married. The conversations about what happens if one of you passes away. What quality of life do you want? How long do you hold on? How do you really feel about your spouse remarrying? What are your feelings about your children calling someone else mommy or daddy? It’s a conversation that everyone needs to have with hopes that the wishes are never forced to be carried out.

Monday, December 17, 2018, it’s time to have the dreaded conversation with the medical team. Its time to carry out the wishes Pharon and I talked about so many years ago. I feel like I am going to throw up. I stumble on my words. I have moments of doubt. Then I looked at the shell of a man that I love more than anything and I am reminded it’s time. We discussed why, when and how I wanted this to all happen. I needed a day to be with him and to coordinate getting my children and family to Philadelphia. I needed time to make sure the closest friends who were like family were able to say good bye. I knew in my heart he wasn’t going to make it more than a couple hours at best off the ventilator. The palliative care team came in and discussed all of my options. I want him comfortable and in no pain. I asked for the fentanyl drip to be turned back on. I had to sign a DNR order. I think I stared at this paper for a solid minute straight before I signed it.

I CAN NOT DO THIS.

For the second time in my life I am looking into the face of a medical professional and saying let the most important man in my life go. I CAN NOT DO THIS!!

I looked at Pharon again and fell apart. Honey I am so sorry. I tried to make you better and it didn’t work but I know THIS is NOT what you want.

It’s done. Oh my word it’s done. This is REALLY happening.

I sat the rest of the day by his side and just stared at him. I replayed the events of the last month and last year in my head. Everything right down to the financial decisions we had made. All of a sudden it was like a light bulb went off. God had been setting things in place at least up to a year before this last hospitalization to prepare me for this. Little and big things alike. All part of the orchestra of our life and now we are at the crescendo. The monthly hospitalizations when I would have to play single mom for a week at a time—preparing me for the long haul. Financial decisions we made—-setting the kids and I up for the loss of income. The roller coaster of medical issues—forcing me to lean more on God and seeing how His plan works from time to time. Making the decision to become part of a ministry team at church—-set the kids and I up for the most amazing support system ever. Becoming involved in our daughters school—-again, setting the kids and I up for a phenomenal support system. I know this was God setting this up because these are all things that I STRUGGLED with making the decision to do. They all stretched me. They all made me evaluate who I was both good and bad. These decisions made me find who I really was instead of who I had thought I was for years. This was uncomfortable for me. But it was all needed to create the foundation for what was coming. God knew I needed that foundation to make it thru His plan for Pharons ultimate healing.

Monday night before I left the hospital I told Pharon I needed him to hold on until I could get back the next day. I go home and after I got the kids settled in bed I ordered my dress for the funeral that I knew was coming. Yes. I ordered my funeral dress while Pharon was still living. I was clicking thru a website and saw THE dress. Pharon had always loved gun metal grey. This dress was perfect. It was the dress that I would wear for the last time I would ever be in my husbands presence. He would have LOVED that dress on me. It was the perfect length and appropriate for what I was about to become. A military widow…..

Tuesday, December 18, 2018, I got up earlier than normal and really got dressed. No yoga pants, sweatshirt, sneakers and a pony tail today. Full outfit, hair done and full face of makeup. If Pharon happens to open his eyes I need him to see me at my best. I dropped the kids off at my cousin and aunts and got to Philadelphia by 6 am. I spent the entire day with my chair up to Pharon’s bed and the bed rail down. I would lift his arm and lay it on the back of my head as if he was rubbing my hair. I told him what we were doing later that day and that the kids and the rest of our family was coming.

Different friends that I had called came in to say their goodbyes. The presence of Pharons battle buddies and even officers who came in from the Delaware Army National Guard gave me such comfort. I knew that even though I was losing my soldier that I literally had an entire Army who would make sure we were ok. Even now I know it would only take one phone call and someone would be to me within minutes.

By around 10am Pharon was getting more and more agitated. He was showing signs of pain. I made it very clear that I did not want him in any pain and when it came time to take the ventilator out I did not want there to be any possibility of him being scared. By noon he was so agitated that he had rose up off the bed twice and his eyes rolled back in his head. This is torture for him. We are officially at the line in the sand. I asked for the doctors to come in. We needed to talk ASAP. There was a heart medicine he was on that he had to take to live. The plan was to stop everything at 6pm once the children and family were there. I asked how long that heart medicine would last in his system and decided to have it stopped at noon. The thought of him being in this much pain was more than I could bare. So the heart medicine was stopped and the fentanyl was pretty much maxed out. His blood pressure was 60/40. It was pretty much a miracle that his heart was beating at all at this point let alone him move.

For the next few hours I cried and sang to him.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclimation,

And lead me home, what joy shall fill me heart!

Then I shall bow, with humble adoration,

And then proclaim “My God How Great Thou Art!”

The thoughts of how wonderful it would be for Pharon to meet our God and instantly be healed and instantly have a heavenly body brought me peace. I felt myself almost having a feeling of excitement for him. Not for losing my husband. But the knowing that he was going to be in the presence of the Ultimate Healer was overwhelming.

Around 4 pm family started arriving. The “plan” was that any of the adults could go in whenever but I did not want any of the children to see a tube in daddy or Uncle Pharons mouth. He would be free of any tubes and we would have his IV tubing covered. The medical team and myself really thought he would hold on for a little while after the tubes were taken out. Around 5:50 we decide it’s time. Everyone leaves the room but me. I am not going anywhere. My brother comes back in the room with me. It only takes seconds to get the ventilator out. Within minutes I am back at the right side of the bed by his side. Johnny is at his left. The same EXACT position we were in the night our father passed away. Pharon takes a really labored breath. Then another. I am able to choke out Its ok baby. You can go if you are ready. I love you. Then another labored breath.

I don’t know what made me think to do this but I yanked the blankets back and told Johnny to grab his hand and we held hands in a circle and said the Lords Prayer. By the time we said Amen he was gone. But I didn’t know for sure until a few moments later.

I don’t really remember actually going down but I do remember being on the floor sobbing so hard I felt like I was going to throw up. I remember feeling a couple hands on my back. It was my brother and Pharons nurse rubbing my back. I didn’t think it was going to happen so quick. I got up, fixed his blankets, got a wet towel to wipe his face and made him “more presentable” before anyone came in. I gave him a kiss and got myself together before walking out to to the waiting room. Over the next hour family came in and said goodbye. Once everyone was out I pulled the bed rail down again and laid next to my husband one last time.

This was probably the hardest post I have written so far. In my intro post I promised that I was going to be raw and vulnerable with you because I felt God was calling me to. This is my story. Not my whole story. Just a chapter in my story. God is still revealing to me what He has in store for Brianna, Deshawn and myself. Pharon was a huge part of our story. He still is a huge part of our story. This chapter played out the way it did in part because of the hard conversations we had in the beginning of our marriage. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did what Pharon would have wanted. He would have wanted what was best for his children and wife. He would not have wanted to continue in such pain and torment. I know some of the decisions I make in the future are in line with what we discussed. I know that God put things in action a long time before I lost Pharon in order to set up the next chapter in the children and my lives.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE” Jeremiah 29:11