Stroke number 14

On 12/9/18 Pharon had his last stroke. Stroke number 14. It’s weird to even type that. My husband had 14 strokes. Now I am sitting here stuck and don’t even know what to say.

The following day was yet another pivotal moment in his hospitalization that made me have to face reality. Out of no where Pharon coughed his ventilator tube out. I was sitting in the corner at the far end of the room furthest from the door. Luckily the nurses were there when it happened but I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see. For the entire hospital stay I would hear random calls across the PA system for special teams to go to a certain location in the hospital. If I was not in the room I would pay close attention to which floor they said. This time I was in his room but when I heard Anesthesia to Founders 8, I knew that was for us. Within minutes his room is flooded by doctors, nurses, and respiratory specialist. I can hear him gasp for air. I am stuck in the corner, paralyzed by fear. I feel like a little girl again, listening to her mom gasp for air. Helpless. Terrified. Why are these memories choosing to flood back at a time like this?!

They medical team finally get the tube back in and things “calm” down. I sat again at just stared at what was left of Pharon. He was beginning to look unrecognizable. The once strong soldier that I knew wasn’t there anymore.  All I saw was the tired, beaten up body of the man that used to hold me tight and make me feel so safe. Now he laid there motionless.  Lord, for the life of me I can’t figure out why this is happening.  Why are you making me find out how strong I can be?  I sat in shock for the rest of the day.  It was probably one of the most traumatizing things I have ever been thru in my life.  Watching someone’s body rise up off of the bed, eyes rolling  back in their head, as they gasp for air will mark you.  It will change you.  It changes how you look at things.  It was this day that I sat there and asked God to be very clear with me what I was supposed to do from that point on.  Like I pretty much needed to have him smack me right in the head and be like “Shell do this or do that”.  

A few days later Pharon opened his eyes and attempted to communicate for the last time.  It was a very short window that he came out of the coma.  He wasn’t able to talk because he was still on the ventilator but I asked him to blink if he wanted to say yes.  

Pharon are you in pain? BLINK 

Pharon what do you want me to do?

Pharon are you tired of fighting? BLINK

Pharon are you ready to go to heaven? BLINK

Then he slowly closed his eyes.  It was the last time I saw his eyes.  It was Tuesday, December 11, 2018 at 11:53 a.m.  I know the exact time because I took a video of this last conversation.  The last time I would be able to look into the eyes of my love. 

Two days later I met with the entire medical team to talk prognosis.  It was nothing of what Pharon would have wanted if he did pull through.  He was blind.  His speech would be slurred.  Impaired memory.  Incontinence.  100% dependence on someone else.  The biggest problem was that with him being on sedation we couldn’t fully tell the extent of the damage from the strokes.  I asked for all sedation to be taken off effective 12/13/18.  Brianna had a Christmas play on the 14th and I wasn’t going to miss it so I stayed in Dover.  12/14/18-no changes.  He hadn’t woke up from sedation.  12/15/18, still nothing.  I had decided that if he hadn’t woke up by that Saturday afternoon that I was going up for the night.  I made the long trip up. I knew I was going up to make a decision.  After 3 days of no sedation he should be awake.  

I tried all night to get him to wake up.  I talked to him.  I sang to him.  I did things that I knew would irritate him.  Nothing.  No movement. There were two times that the nursing staff had to change him and the bed.  He showed no expression on his face as they were having to touch him in ways that any normal person would be uncomfortable.  I sat and took it all in.  I knew it was time to call my mother in law and have a talk.  I was terrified to dial the phone.  I didn’t know if I was going to come across resistance.  I am so incredibly blessed to have a mother in law who is a God Fearing woman and is so level headed and understanding.  We talked about best case scenario and agreed that the best case scenario would not be good enough for Pharon.  We talked about how we were getting dangerously close to it being cruel to hold on to him anymore.  We were in agreement that if God wanted Pharon to live he would and if God wanted Pharon home in heaven that there was nothing that we could do to keep him here.  I made the rest of the phone calls that needed to be made and then I came home to my babies.  

As I drove home that Sunday I had a peace come over me.  It was like God was saying You are putting all of your trust in Me, now let me take care of Pharon, you and your children the way that I need to. I remember saying out loud God I don’t know what you have planned in the next few days but I am trusting in you to get me thru whatever you decide. Then I choked out….I give Pharon to you. My playlist on my phone was on and “Praise You in this Storm” by Casting Crowns came on.  I had never heard it.  It was like everything clicked in my head at that moment.  I had no idea how my life was going to look in a few days.  I had no control.  The ONLY thing I had control of was if I chose to have faith in God’s will in the midst of probably the worst storm of my life.  I chose to have faith the God would get me thru it.  I chose to Praise Him in this storm. 

Its the only control I had left.