Reality is setting in…

This week has been rough. Really rough. My new reality is beginning to set in and I haven’t handled it well. Monday it was the 3 month mark since I lost my love forever. Anger, disparity, panic, loneliness and immense sorrow have flooded my mind daily and sometimes all at once. Getting out of bed has been a huge job. I only got Brianna to school on Monday. Leaving my house has proved to be painful.

The thing is, when I go out I see the rest of the world living their life. They are happy. I see couples walking together in a loving manner memories flood my mind. It took YEARS to get Pharon to hold hands. By the time we were married he would randomly grab my hand as we walked wherever we were going. My hand would get lost in his. I miss his touch. I miss him coming up behind me for a kiss when he would get off work. I miss him rolling over in bed and pulling me close in his sleep. I miss how he would look at me like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. I miss my best friend.

When I see a father with his children my heart aches. My children will never feel the strong hands of their daddy holding them up in the air again. No more tickle fights. No more dancing in the living room. No more trips to Spence’s bazaar for cake and pizza. No more hearing daddy tell Brianna that she is his best girl. No more hearing him tell Deshawn what sports he will play. Then I get angry. This wasn’t supposed to happen. My children were supposed to have TWO present parents. They were supposed to have a better.

We are blessed to be taken care of even in Pharons absence. He worked so hard for years and it’s because of that hard work that our children and myself can live comfortably even now. But his hard work came at a horrible cost. The hard work essentially put the heart failure on the fast track. Our cardiologist confirmed this week that the congestive heart failure was a direct result of the cardiomyopathy. He got cardiomyopathy while serving in the Army. This information set me into a tailspin. While I know Pharon would be pleased to know that his hard work is still taking care of his children and wife even after his death, it’s another hard, jagged pill to swallow.

While it’s been hard to leave the house it’s hard to be in this house. Every room holds good and bad memories. Our living room is where he would dance with Brianna and take naps on the couch with both our children. It’s also where he would lay when he was too weak to make it up the stairs. The stairs he would have to stop at least twice to catch his breath as he went upstairs. Our bedroom we would put both kids in bed with us in the mornings and laugh and giggle with them. But it’s also our bedroom floor where I found him collapsed the night I took him in the hospital the last time.

Now is a time that I have to lean on my Heavenly Father more than ever. I don’t understand why this had to happen. I am tired. Man I am so tired. The exhaustion brings me to tears. Physically and mentally. I just want to sleep for two days straight. My meds make me even more tired but if I don’t take them I spiral out of control.

Today I officially paid off my car. Pharon bought me a brand new Sonata as a birthday/graduation gift. He let me pick out the model, trim and color. It was the first brand new car I have ever had. The man on the phone must have thought I was crazy because I started sobbing when he gave me the confirmation number and approximate time frame to look for the title in the mail. I knew that if I hadn’t lost Pharon I wouldn’t have the means to pay off the loan so quickly. I had feelings of guilt and sorrow creep in. I had to be reminded by his best friend how happy Pharon would be to know the kids and I are taken care of even if he can’t be here. All he cared about was his family and he would be at peace knowing we are ok.