Fear can paralyze you

** Warning** There are a couple pictures of Pharon while in the hospital in this post.

I may have appeared all together but the week of December 3, 2018 I fell apart. Completely.

On December 3, 2018, the doctors inform me that they want to get a physical therapist in to get Pharon’s limbs moving to help combat the muscle atrophy that was occurring.  Even being bed ridden for a couple days will cause your  muscles to atrophy and by now Pharon has been in a hospital bed for almost a month.  I didn’t understand how they were going to get someone in a coma to move anything but ok.  The nurses come in and say they are going to move him into a chair.  He gets a hammock looking thing put under him and this pulley from the ceiling lifts him up in the air.

His limbs just dangle as they move him around.  I watched in disbelief.  The once large, strong man that I knew was just laying there, motionless in the air.  No facial expression. Nothing.  I felt like someone was sitting on my chest.  How am I ever going to be able to take care of him like this?! Our house isn’t set up to handle disabilities like this!  I can’t send him to a home.  What kind of wife would I be if I put him in a home?!!   Then they get him set up for therapy.

They had to use ace bandages to keep his hands on the machine.  Again, no reactions, facial expressions or anything.  

Something inside of me broke that morning.  I went outside and called my mom.  I was sobbing so hard that I am sure people walking by had to of thought that someone passed away.  I could not think clearly.  I couldn’t speak.  I couldn’t breath.  I couldn’t move.  I was on the sidewalk on my knees with my forehead against the brick wall and I could not get myself together enough to get up.  I was paralyzed completely with FEAR.  I think it was my mom who called my brother because within an hour he was in Philadelphia with me.  I was knocking at the door of a nervous breakdown.  I knew it.  My mom knew it.  The rest of my family was probably waiting for it. The rest of the week it only got worse.  My nerves were so bad that the wind blowing the wrong way would set me off.  The following morning Brianna just would not listen to me.  I ran out of the room and punched the wall.  I was afraid I was going to grab her.  

By the end of the day I saw exactly how bad it was. My hand was bruised and I had a hard time moving my finger. I don’t punch walls in anger. This has never been who I was but I had gotten to the point that everything felt out of control.

I knew I needed help and it was going to be in the form of more than prayer. I needed medicine. Many people view “psych” meds as something to be ashamed of. If you feel ashamed of taking antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds please don’t be. It doesn’t mean you are weak. It just means you need a little help to let the real you shine through. I am on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medicine still. It doesn’t mean I am weak. It means I am strong enough to admit that I need a little extra help. I needed those meds then and I need them now to be the mom that I am called to be. I needed those meds then to be the advocate for Pharon that I needed to be. I needed those meds to help me think clearly. I needed to think clearly so the fear wouldn’t paralyze me anymore.

Music has always been a healing thing for me. Many times it helps express what I can’t. That week I probably played Oceans (Where Feet May Fail), by Hillsong at least a hundred times. It became my prayer. These lyrics were my exact plea to God.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, where ever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Saviour.

Hillsong United

Once I was able to get medicine I was able to think more clearly. See I could not understand why anything was anything anymore. But I knew that God had a plan. Honestly I didn’t like where it appeared that the plan was heading but I knew at the end it would be ok because I was not forsaken. I was not forgotten. God had not left me, Pharon or our children. I was holding onto the hem of his garment on behalf of all four of us. I was able to hold on tighter once I didn’t let fear paralyze me anymore.