Still being Thankful On Thanksgiving

My family is more supportive that I can even put into words.  My cousins and I can go weeks without seeing or talking to each other but when then cards are down and one of us needs something we all drop what we are doing and take care of business.  I have had what I would considered three major, life altering events in my lifetime. The death of my father, the day Brianna was born two months early and the death of my husband. Each time my family has dropped everything and was with me to hold me up.

By Thanksgiving, Pharon had been in Philadelphia for a little over two weeks.  Every single day it was something new happening.  I was exhausted.  I needed to be around my family. The plan was for me to go up and see Pharon in the morning and I was insistant on my family still having Thanksgiving dinner together in the afternoon. They were all prepared to come up to Philadelphia to be with me so I wouldn’t be alone on Thanksgiving. Things seemed to have stayed quiet for a few hours. OK we can get through this holiday.  No matter what I still have so much in my life to be thankful for. 

Wednesday evening I get home late as usual.  I pick up my children and take them home.  After getting them settled into bed  I lay down and fall asleep probably within seconds from exhaustion.  I will never forget the time.  It was 2:06 am and my phone rings.  Its a phone call from Penn.  By now I know if a 215 number shows up on my phone its someone calling from the nurses stations.  If its a 267 number its a doctor calling from their cell phone.  Its a 267 number calling.  In the matter of just moments, I have a million scenarios go thru my head.  I am TERRIFIED to answer the phone.  I pick up and its Pharon’s doctor.  Pharon has had another stroke.  He is seizing again.  I needed to consent to another test and the doctor told me I could sign the paperwork when I got there.  I had been back in Dover for less than 6 hours and it was time to go up again.  Not knowing how long I would be up there, I took a quick shower and grabbed extra clothes.  I pack the kids bag up and take them out to the cold car one at a time while they are asleep.  I call Becca on my way to let her know I was coming with the kids.  Before 3 am I am back on my way to Philly.  Leaving my children again.  On Thanksgiving.  Not knowing what I was walking into.

As I drive up to Philadelphia this time it was mostly in silence.  Silence and tears.  This is it.  I am losing him on Thanksgiving.  What do I have to be thankful for now?! It was almost instantly that I became ashamed of even having that thought even cross my mind.  I had just dropped off two beautiful and healthy children to my family. I could stop there and it would be more than enough to be thankful for. I was driving a car that was amazing on gas mileage.  If I didn’t have this car and had to drive our truck there is no way I would be able to make all of these trips. I have an amazing support system from my church families, work families and even strangers.

I get to Penn and make the dreaded walk across the hospital and the closer I get the more anxious I get. What am I going to walk into? My love is laying there. Still in a coma. He won’t respond. He won’t open his eyes. He won’t move. My forever isn’t here anymore. It’s just his body now.

Within hours my family is messaging me and wanting to cancel dinner. No. This isn’t an option for me. I need to be with them. I don’t care if we are sitting eating dry cereal out of bags for thanksgiving. I need to be around them. In the afternoon I make the long trip from Philadelphia to Greenwood. The house is busy with noise and the kids are running around making more noise than a lot of people can handle. The sound soothes me. I love our chaotic family dinners. At any given time there are 11 children under the age of 16 running around and giggling. Once you add the adults we have close to 30 people in one place. It’s a safe place for me. I can be me. I can cry. I can talk. I can sit in silence. I don’t have to explain anything. I can go thru any and every emotion and not feel self conscious about it. I am with my “ryde or die gang.” I slip in and out of consciousness while sitting on the couch and wake up to the sounds of the people I love the most. The sound bring me more comfort than I can put into words.

My husband is over a hundred miles away from me, fighting for his life but I remain thankful. I am with my family who is fighting for me. Fighting for my family.

I am blessed in the midst of my storm