Its harder than I thought it would be

When I first posted this picture it was a picture of the last time my children had talked to their daddy.  Now its also a picture of the last time my children saw their daddy alive.

When Pharon and I decided to start a family we were just like many couples and had big plans.  We both wanted more for our children than what we had growing up.  Every parent wants that for their children.  We wanted them to have active parents and more than anything we wanted their childhoods to be filled with great memories instead of heartache.  Pharon and I both had some obstacles growing up and we were determined to not let our children have the same ones.  For me it has always been, be home, well and present and not be so familiar with hospitals.  For Pharon it was to be a present, loving and active father.  Neither of us held ill feelings about how we grew up.  We both knew our parents did the best they could but now it was our turn to do the best that we could.

Making the decision to let the father of my children go gave me physical pain in my body.  I knew we were at the point that if we continued treatment it was going to cross into it being cruel and selfish act on our part.  I knew that the best case scenario if everything went perfect was still going to leave my husband in a state that would be torture for him.  But my kids need their daddy.  But they need their daddy to KNOW who they are.  But Deshawn won’t have any memories with him. But Brianna will be DEVASTATED if she talks to Daddy and he doesn’t answer her.  My mind went in circles for days.  I knew the time to think about alternative measures was coming.

Now here we are, almost 3 months later, and Brianna is just now talking to me about Daddy.  Before she would have random conversations with everyone else but me.  If I asked her if she missed daddy she would say “No, I am happy”.  I made sure to tell her it was ok to miss daddy because I miss daddy all the time.  She would quickly change the subject and move on about her day.

A week ago today, Brianna came into the kitchen and made a comment to me that almost brought me to my knees.  “Mommy, if daddy stays in heaven and doesn’t come home to take care of me I won’t be his best girl anymore”.  I literally almost threw up.  Tears came instantaneously and I grabbed her.    Lord, My girl is hurting and I don’t know how to fix this.  What have I done.  I reassured her that she will always be Daddy’s best girl.  I reminded her that daddy still loves her even though he is living in heaven with Jesus.  She then tells me that she doesn’t want daddy to stay in heaven with Jesus and she wants him to come home now and take care of her.  The blessing in the midst of this whole mess is that she KNOWS her daddy took care of her.  She has loving memories of her Daddy being her protector.  She is only four years old and I know she doesn’t fully comprehend death yet.  We have talked a lot about how daddy died.  Daddy’s brain broke and that is why he couldn’t talk to you anymore.  Daddy’s heart stopped working.  So Jesus decided it was best to take daddy to live with him so Daddy would feel better.  Its all the truth but more on her level.  Most of the time she accepts those answers but I am not sure really how much she understands.  The one thing I am sure of is that my precious girl is hurting.  I would give up anything and everything to take that hurt away for her.  I am terrified of her missing things that other girls will have with their fathers.  I am scared of her first dance, her first date, her graduating, her wedding.

I am scared of her blaming me.

I also have this little man to raise.  I have to find that balance between soft and hard if that makes sense.  Then there is the practical every day stuff that I have no idea how to teach a boy.  How to pee standing up. Not like I experience doing that.  Sports…if its baseball we are good but I don’t know how to play any other sports.  I need Deshawn to feel connected to his Daddy.  He doesn’t have memories to hold onto.  When he gets Brianna’s age and I talk to him about Daddy it will be more like a story than something he can relate to.  Lord, Pharon was going to teach Deshawn how to be a strong man.  I can’t do that. 

I am scared of my children lashing out because they are angry that they don’t have their daddy.  I am scared of the pain they will feel when they see other dads doing stuff with their kids.  I am scared that I won’t be able to provide for them as well as Pharon and I had planned.

I am Fearless, because God says I am, but I still get scared.