So I shared my diagnosis’ and the events that facilitated them.
As a rule of thumb I don’t think that if someone is dealing with a mental illness that the information is meant for everyone to know. The judgment that often comes from others can make the problem worse. Not everyone can handle the judgement that can be thrown their way. I am in a “unique” situation having this blog. Between God being very clear to me that I needed to be transparent and raw in my writing and my promise in the beginning to you all to not hold anything back I do feel that there is a reason and it’s important for me to remain transparent. I don’t know who still needs to read this story but God keeps laying it on my heart that “they haven’t read it yet”.
Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Psalm 25:4 (NLT)
Now let’s dive further into what this all looks like for me. The phrase anxiety attack is used so loosely. I used to say it and didn’t know that what I was feeling was just a moment of being anxious. Everyone has those moments. When it slips into a disorder is when it effects your everyday life. Most of us can have multiple thoughts going on in our mind at any given point. Ours plates are full but we manage. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed but we handle it. 
So let’s say each circle is a topic on our mind and the squiggly line is the calm flow of our thoughts. I haven’t been able to have thought this calm and organized since Pharon got sick. As things progressed and when he passed away things got more fuzzy and complicated.
This is more what my mind is like on a daily basis now. 
I think about the same things as before but the calm isn’t there anymore. The loss of Pharon overlaps with literally every single thing I do. It completely consumes me. Then add regret, doubt, fear. Most times I can keep it at this level. I can see the calm beyond the chaos. But all it takes is one trigger. One simple thing that makes it all fall apart. It can be a site, a tv show, our children doing something good, our children pushing me to the breaking point…..or too much silence. Too much time to sit and think. Too much time to second guess every decision I made with his care or every decision I am making for our kids future. It becomes too much. Then I can’t think clearly at all. 
My mind becomes a deep, black abyss with lightening strikes that won’t stop. I feel like I am being held down and I am screaming for help but nothing is coming out of my mouth. I become paralyzed wherever I am at and begin to uncontrollably sob. I can’t see past that moment. I am stuck. Memories of Pharon’s entire sickness flood my mind and visions of him rising off the bed with eyes rolled back get stuck in my vision. When I say stuck in my vision I mean I can be looking straight at the door and at the same time in my mind I see all of the scary memories simultaneously.
Thankfully things don’t get this bad often. The last time was about 2 weeks ago and I was supposed to go to an event for my mother in law. I KNEW there were going to literally hundreds of people at this event that knew who I was, that I was Pharon’s widow and out of true love and concern they would approach me. I have my safe places. I have my tribes that I can be with and feel completely at ease. Being bombarded by so many strangers became too much for my mind to handle. Having one or two people randomly approach me doesn’t bother me. But this was a luncheon with multiple churches within the AME congregation and I KNEW for a fact they all knew about what happened. It took me over an hour and a dose of medication to get myself calmed down. My mother ended up deciding for me and calling my mother in law and telling her I couldn’t come because I literally could not get myself together. I was stuck on the couch shaking and sobbing. I was stuck in that moment and I couldn’t see past it. My daughter was crying because it was scaring her. I knew it was scaring her and that made me even more upset. I let her see me cry but I never wanted her to see me have and “episode”. Mom was able to calm Brianna and eventually my meds kicked in and I slowly came back to reality. Then my mind slowly reverts back to my new normal and I just stay consumed with the thoughts of losing Pharon and how it has effected every aspect of my life.
I know it won’t always be this way. I will never move on but I can move thru this chapter in my life. Hopefully, one day I won’t have the moments where it hits me that he is gone and the pain strikes back so raw like it just happened. One day I won’t have such intense triggers. I won’t always be so mentally tired. I won’t always be scared of crowds. That is not what God has planned for me .
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to proper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE” Jeremiah 29:11
She is Fearless 