Every day starts the same. I wake up and for a split second I don’t think about how Pharon isn’t here anymore. Then once that second is over reality sets in like a ten ton boulder on my chest. I have to do this alone again. Life alone. Again. There have been days that the thought of having to get both kids up, bathed, and out the door on time, by myself, is too much to bare, so I don’t. I wasn’t supposed to do this alone. He was supposed to be here with me. The thought of doing it alone for the next 18-20 years will make my chest hurt. I get tired before it even happens. I get angry. I want to scream. I cry. I sob. My body will shake. I get discouraged. I have my moments and then I Push Through the Pain. I don’t just get over it. I work through it.
You don’t just get over things like this in life. It’s impossible. It’s ridiculous to even expect or say that to someone. This was not something we chose. We could not control it so I can’t just “get over it.” I can work through it though. To do that I have to make a conscious effort to push through the pain so I can feel and see the promises that God has made for me and my children.
Sometimes it’s the big things that I have to push through. Thoughts of my daughter missing out on daddy/daughter dances. The thought of daddy not walking her down the isle one day. Thoughts of Deshawn wanting to learn a sport other than baseball. I don’t know all the rules for any other sport. The thought of him needing his daddy’s advice about girls or how to be a man. These kind of things shatter my heart. Then there are the little things. Brianna put her shoes on the right feet the first time around. She is so proud of herself. Deshawn crawled up the entire flight of stairs. He is so proud of himself. Pharon was supposed to smile back at me when our eyes met while watching our children hit milestones. Simple little things that most people take for granted.
I took the kids to Gatlinburg, Tennessee last week. While we were there I decided I wanted to take Brianna and Deshawn to the aquarium. I kept putting it off. I caught myself not wanting to make a memory because Pharon wasn’t here to experience it with us. I had to push through the pain and just do it. This may not seem like a big deal to you but for me to get myself together enough to walk to the ticket office and actually buy the tickets was an ordeal for me. I don’t buy two adult anything anymore. It’s one adult and one or two children depending on the age requirements. The act of buying the tickets was another reminder that I am doing it alone again. My children are doing something without daddy again. There is no one to reminisce over the reactions of the kids faces anymore while laying in bed. Pharon would have been so proud of Brianna for not being scared of the sharks. The joy he would have gotten from seeing the amazement in Deshawns little face would have been priceless. It took everything in me to not break down in the middle of the aquarium. I pushed through the pain because my children were depending on me. My children need these happy moments. Pharon would want them to have these moments. Pharon would want me to have these happy moments too.
I can and I will continue to push through the pain and it’s because of one single promise. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13. I am promised strength from the strongest man who ever walked the earth. Christ rose the dead to life, made the blind see and healed the sick. He also pushed through the ultimate pain of dying on the cross for you and me. He could have stopped his persecutors. He could have kept the nails from piecing his skin. He could have came down from the cross and walked away. He chose to push to the pain because he knew it was necessary for us to have eternal life. He loved you and me so much that he went through more emotional and physical pain than we can even fathom. That’s who I get my strength from. If Jesus can push through that because he loves us so much I can push through this. Jesus cried out to our Heavenly Father and praised him in the midst of his pain. I have cried out to our Heavenly Father and praised him in the midst of my pain. The promises that our Heavenly Father has made me are my only guarantees in life.
So I will continue to pull my strength from Jesus and push through the pain.
She is Fearless 