When its in writing things change

I haven’t been MIA. I don’t know that I have went almost two weeks without writing since I started this writing journey. I have wanted to write but I couldn’t. For a few weeks I was stuck in a very dark place. My anxiety took over my life. Something good happen and I would freak out. Brianna would say something that really showed how much she has grown and I would shut down. Deshawn stood by himself and I would shut down. Bedtime was the worst. I would look at my precious babies and despair would engulf me so hard that I couldn’t think clearly. Pharon is supposed to be here to see this! Our children are growing so fast and he isn’t here with me to see it.

The constant state of anxiousness started when I got the Veterans Administrations decision on our survivor benefits. It was in writing. The government admitted to it. Pharon’s death is service-connected. Had his heart not been bad he very well could have fought off the infection. His cardiologist had told me this but to see it in writing made me completely fall apart.

The silver lining in this decision is that the children and I are taken care of. Now, financially I can provide the exact lifestyle for our children that Pharon and I had planned. I can continue to be the stay at home/work from home mother that Pharon and I had wanted for our children. I can obtain a VA loan to go buy a house with a nice yard for our children. But the trade off is more than I can bare. Irrational thoughts began to flood my mind. I felt guilty for being taken care of so well even in my husbands death because he had to die for this to happen. I sat on my bed looking at 3 clear car titles, the deed to my house, the deed to our timeshare, and the VA decision letter and I completely fell apart. I have never been so secure in my entire life. My husband gave his life for our country and our families security . No, he didn’t die on a battlefield. He wasn’t killed in action. But his heart went bad while serving our country. He did it without reservation or question. His death was directly related to the dilated cardiomyopathy with ICD. Seeing it in writing almost made me sick.

It took Pharon’s best friend to remind me that Pharon would be so pleased to know that the government that he swore to protect was taking care of his family in his absence. Pharon would not have taken back one single day of his time served. He whole heartedly believed in the Army and what it stood for. He would be happy to know his hard work and sacrifices were taking care of his family now. It was a horrible price to pay. My life is forever changed.

I ended up having to have my medication adjusted. Instead of taking some meds only when I had symptoms I take them on a regular basis but in a smaller dosage. I had a really bad week where 3 days in a row either my brother or my cousins would have to talk me down. It was almost like I had just realized that my husband had died. The pain was so insanely raw that it physically hurt. My mind began to wander. Oh my God what have I done? What if he could have made it? Did I act too soon? I took my kids daddy away! I know now this was nothing but satan getting into my ear. If God had wanted Pharon to live here on earth he would be living. I didn’t act too soon. The day Pharon passed he was in straight torment. I truly believe his spirit left him before his last breath. My husband wasn’t there anymore. It was just his body.

While going through all of this God spoke very clearly to me. If seeing this in writing can effect you so profoundly lets see how much seeing what I have to say to you in writing can effect you. I pretty much felt like saying to myself, well duh Michelle why didn’t you think of that?! See, I read my Bible but I hadn’t really studied it. Lets have a really dreadfully honest moment here. I can read ANYTHING and my mind will wander all over the place while I am reading. I am reading the words but don’t ask me 10 minutes later what I read. This has been a problem since grade school. So I can read a chapter in the Bible and immediately afterwards not be able to tell you how it applies to me because I probably only remember the last sentence or maybe the readers digest version of what I just read. So I decided that I need to just focus on a couple verses at a time and really look deeper into what those verses mean until I get better at retaining longer passages. Emerging myself in physically seeing God’s promises is exactly what I need. I have always been a visual person. I have always connected memories and feelings to sights and sounds.

I am trying to focus my thoughts and feelings of “seeing something in writing” into something positive again.