Following God’s Will

I don’t really like attention. I have always preferred to make things happen in the background. The attention I received while Pharon was sick and during his passing gave me extreme anxiety. When I say extreme anxiety I mean I threw up a couple times over the attention. I was and continue to be so thankful for the support I get from everyone but it still feels funny. So to purposely do something that is guaranteed to draw attention to myself like doing this blog was a very uncomfortable thing for me to do. But I felt God telling me over and over again that I needed to share this story. I needed to share with people where my strength came from but at the same time be dreadfully raw with what I write. It was like he was telling me that’s it’s ok to show people that you struggled and had crazy thoughts go thru my head. There are people who need to know that they are not alone in their quest for a stronger faith. It wasn’t until I had multiple confirmations that I finally listened.

Last week I was really struggling with the thought of writing anything. I had the wind knocked out of me when the Veterans Administration determined that Pharon’s death was in fact service connected. There had been a couple doctors tell me but for the government admit it was a whole new ballgame. Writing these blog posts take everything out of me. I have had to force myself to relive everything. It forces me to admit to feelings that I hadn’t shared with anyone. It has forced me into that uncomfortable place of vulnerability. Then the thought of “is this really touching anyone anymore” creeped into my head.

I have never been good with knowing if it’s God telling Michelle something or if it’s Michelle telling Michelle something. Sometimes I need God to throw confirmation in my face. The Lord knows this about me and He makes things crystal clear for me.

One evening a few weeks ago I was doubting if this blog or if me sharing my feelings was making a difference.  A friend of mine from church made a Facebook post. This post went up literally at the same time I was doubting everything. He mentioned a friend who he didn’t really know that well had passed and how this mans wife had shared how she took her children in to see him right after he passed. He said how it completely wrecked him to read that and how he was looking at things in his life differently now. He was taking time to take his daughter fishing. I literally almost dropped my phone when I read it. It NEVER occurred to me that this could touch someone in that capacity. I felt such joy knowing that our story could help a family in that way. I commented back on how it’s the little things that his children will remember and how Brianna talked about daddy taking her for ice cream. The next morning in my Timehop memories a picture of Brianna and Daddy eating ice cream showed up. Ok Lord I get it 😊

Easter weekend an example was used during church and mention of a woman who had lost her husband recently and people are watching and wondering “how in the world is she living with so much peace in her life” and she can serve at church with such peace in her heart. I had a feeling it was me being referred to and it was later confirmed.  It made me realize that I am being watched more closely than I ever realized. It felt like a blessing that people can see the peace I have in my heart. Yes, I miss my husband every day. I think of him in every moment of my life. I have moments where the pain of losing him feels more than I can bare.  My friends and family have had to talk me down multiple time just this week.  But I know he isn’t in pain anymore. I take comfort in that. It brings me peace to know that the suffering is no more.  I take comfort in knowing that God is taking care of me and my children. We have been blessed more than I can even put into words. The support system we have around us is nothing short of amazing. The Lord made sure that financially my children are well taken care of and that I can commit my time into furthering His Kingdom by volunteering the way my heart desires instead of having to go work outside of the home 40+ hours a week.  I rest in the peace of the promises the God has given me.  It’s the only thing that keeps me going. 

Easter Sunday I got stopped by two different people at church to tell me how much of a blessing it was to them to read this blog and they thanked me for doing it. One lady was a complete stranger to me but she knew who I was. Again, a humbling confirmation that I am doing what God wants me to do in this season of my life.

My prayer the entire time is that Pharon’s death would not be in vain. That my pain would not be in vain. That my children losing their daddy would not be in vain. Even if it touched one person and brought them closer to God it was all worth it. I know Pharon is in heaven singing praises to our Heavenly Father. I know he would be pleased to know that his years of service to our country has not gone unnoticed and now the country he swore to protect is taking care of his family now.  So if me being uncomfortable is making a positive change in someone’s life, I am content with that.  Growth is often uncomfortable.  Its ok for people to approach me.  I need the reminder occasionally, no matter how awkward I feel in that moment.  Its ok for my family to be used as an example.  I am far from perfect and I still have struggles, but I am growing.  I am still learning what God wants from me as a mother, friend, sister, cousin, niece, daughter, partner in church and even as a stranger. 

I would like to invite you to watch this sermon.  It will be the best 30 minutes of your week.   It explains probably better than any words I can put together on how I am able to move forward with my life.  It was also a confirmation I needed.   If you want to know this peace I have you can contact me and you can come sit with me at church. I want everyone to know this kind of peace in their life.

I am still learning what God’s will is for my life and the path He has chosen for me.  I am truly thankful to have so many coming along on this journey with me.