Every Story has a beginning and so does mine….Part Two

Fear of the unknown can be crippling if you let it.  While I have full faith in what God says I am not going to sit here and pretend that I haven’t had moments of unclarity and doubt in the midst of crisis.  I remember the first time Pharon was hospitalized after we had brought Deshawn home I sat and looked at my precious baby and thought what have I done.  I brought another little human into the world and he is going to be subjected to seeing Daddy going into and out of the hospital as he grows up.  For those who have not lived it you may not understand.  I have heard it all.  “At least your parents are living”,  “it could be worse”.  Now don’t get me wrong, yes I was very blessed to not lose my parents at such a young age and yes things can ALWAYS be worse.  But as a child growing up in this chaos you just don’t understand what is going on around you.  All you know if that mommy or daddy is always sick.  They can’t play with me. They can’t take me here or there. My friends parents can do this or that.  I can remember clear as I sit here, standing at my front door, watching my mom being taken away in the ambulance for the 100th time because she couldn’t breath, I never want my kids to go through this.  I couldn’t have been more than 8 or 9 years old.   I warned you that I was going to lay all my feelings out……..

July 2018 rolls around and its time for Pharon’s side family reunion.  This time its going to be in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  We wanted to drive further south afterwards so he could meet his brother for the first time.  Since Pharon had missed so much work from being sick we really could not afford it but Pharon needed to meet his brother.  Pharon was 44 years old and never met his brothers.  I wiped out our savings and made it happen.  At the time I was thinking I am so going to regret this. I don’t regret it for one minute now.  Pharon needed to meet his brother.  It was a piece of his puzzle of life that had been found.  Getting down there was a struggle.  Pharon couldn’t walk more than 20 feet without taking a break.  I had just had a csection 6 weeks earlier.  He had to be taken by wheel chair through the airport while I had a 6 week old strapped to my body, a 3 year old, carry ons, diaper bag, purse and a stroller.  By the time we got to Alabama I thought I was going to drop.  We stayed in Alabama for 12 days and had the best time with family.  Less than a week after getting back, Pharon was back in the hospital.

This went on for months.  Fast forward to Halloween weekend.  This weekend was the last memories we would make as a family together.  Halloween night we took the kids to my cousins house so all the kids could trick or treat together.  Deshawn was the cutest little lobster you have even seen and Brianna was our princess Bat girl.  There was no way Pharon was going to be able to walk the neighborhood so he stayed behind and waited for us. We went on our last date night that Saturday.  Sunday, November 4, 2018 we took our last family picture.  Pharon had to stop twice on his way into our photographers home.  He just couldn’t catch his breath.  By the time we got home he was feeling really bad and was in bed.  Monday I find him sick and asleep in his car.  By Wednesday he was so sick I made him go to the walk in.  He had a 103.7 fever and was diagnosed with the flu.  By Thursday night he is so sick he can barely move.  I told him I thought he needed to go into the hospital and try to get on top of this before it gets worse.  He wanted to wait until Friday morning and I was like no let me drop you off tonight because I have a lot going on tomorrow.  It took him 2 hours to get himself together.  10pm and I load the kids up and take him to the ER.  That was November 8, 2018.  That is the last coherent conversation I ever had with my husband.  That is the last time he kissed me.

By Saturday, November  10, 2018 he hadn’t answered a text or phone call in 24 hours.  I dropped our kids off at our friends house and went into the hospital.  After about 5 minutes of me talking to him he still hadn’t said a word to me. He was struggling to get the spoon to his mouth.  I asked him if he was mad at me about something. I will never forget the look on his face.  He slowly raised his head, looked at me and said Who are you? Wait, what?! What do you mean who am I?  It took him about a minute to remember who I was.  I went and got the nurse and she assured me that the fever and flu could cause confusion. Ok. That makes sense.

The next morning I had a funny feeling and decided to stay home from church because I wanted to be available to talk to the doctor when they came in.  I called into the nurse to see how Pharon made out through the night and she informed me that they had a really rough morning.  She had mispronounced his name and he screamed at her over it.  When she said this my heart dropped and I told her she needed to call the doctor right now because something is really wrong.  Pharon NEVER corrected anyone for saying his name wrong and he NEVER yells at people.  EVER.  About 15 minutes after my mother in law arrived from Pennsylvania I get the phone call that changed everything.  The nurse called and said I needed to come to the hospital because Pharon was getting moved to the Neuro ICU.  His brain was bleeding.   I barely got “OK” out of my mouth and I started sobbing.  I knew what that meant.  My husband was having a stroke.  I called my cousin and all I remember saying was I needed someone to come get my kids.  I then called Pharon’s best friend to tell him and I just sobbed on the phone.  I couldn’t think clearly.  My whole body started shaking.  Lord what is happening?! I can’t believe this! I took him to the hospital for the flu not to have a stroke.  Once I got to the hospital there were probably 20 staff members surrounding his room. One was the wife of one of the soldiers Pharon served with in the Delaware National Guard.  A familiar face–it will be ok.  We go up to the unit and the Neurologist starts to ask me some questions.  Pharon starts seizing.  A new group of medical staff flood the room.  I stood there numb and in disbelief.  I brought him to the hospital for the flu….what is happening.  Soon its time for the first neuro test.   What year is it, what is your name, who is the president, where are you at. Although his speech was slurred he answered all the questions right.  Now its time for personal questions.  Its my turn to ask the questions.  Who am I, where do we live, what is our kids names…..He says everything right until its time to say our kids names.  He says Brianna.  That’s it. I asked him what our sons name was…….he says he only has a Brianna.  He doesn’t remember us having a baby.  My husband forgot we had two children.  Lord I can’t handle this.  Why is this happening?!  I wonder if my dad was this scared when my mom had her strokes.  

By Monday Pharon was in septic shock, his kidneys and liver were failing and he was on  life support.  This is too much for Kent to handle.  I knew it and they knew it.  I asked for him to be transferred to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania and within 30 minutes I had a room number for him.  Plans were made to air vac him there but the winds were too high and they had to take him by ambulance.   I remember thinking that night—-what the hell…….NEVER in a million years did I think I would be sitting here at 37 years old with a 6 month old and 4 year old while my husband is in the hospital with a STROKE.  Like can I catch a break PLEASE.  Just once.  Never think that it can’t get worse……….it can ALWAYS get worse.